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And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com
was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
came to be called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her
husband, "Why do thou travel far from town to town with thy goods,
when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did
look at her as though she were several saddle bags shortof a camel
load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price.And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he
would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will
be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my
most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were
an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top
price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse
envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum
and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot
Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were
called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Side rites, or NERDS
for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that
the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of
Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did
insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother
William's drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out
over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said,
"We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said
Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' " Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?" And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. .."and so the pig went to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused and then asked the class, "and what do you think that the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know... he said, Holy S...! A talking pig!" A middle aged couple was discussing life and preparing wills. The conversation turned to remarriage....
Wife: If I should die first, would you remarry?
Wife: Would you bring your new wife into the home that we have shared?
Wife: Would you share the same bed we"ve shared
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes?
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs? One school day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about valuable materials; so she stood in front of the class and said "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold because it is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." Little Susie raised her hand and said "I would want Platinum because it is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called about Johnny who was violently waving his hand. Johnny stood up and said "I want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" Because, he said, "my mom said she has two bags full of silicon and you should see the sports cars outside our house" A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his
neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the
house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes
running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously,
mouth
open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation. The
guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..." The neighbor looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought I said 'Kvetch.'"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior." John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind...... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius
A client brings his Labrador Retriever to the Vet because he is listless and has lost his appetite. The doctor examines the dog and performs a battery of tests while the owner observes. Finally, the Vet brings in a cat and passes it under the dogs nose. There is little response. Later when the Vet is making out his bill he itemizes all the various tests with a nominal billing and one item for $100.00. The owner is a bit put out at this charge and asks what test is worth $100.00. Oh, said the Vet, that's for the cat scan.
Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for a very good reason, the doghouse. OKAY, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovations. OKAY, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold at a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure metal cage. OKAY, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the lawn sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases. The dog is never allowed on the furniture. OKAY, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture. OKAY, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period. OKAY, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only. OKAY, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers. OKAY, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on the pillow. OKAY, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers, with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he got to leave the room. OKAY, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you are now sleeping. That's just not fair. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaires as "primary resident" even if its true. Remember, in any and all household interactions or disputes -- the dog rules! Welcome to (Your Vet's) Automated Telephone System!
To make an appointment please press 1 To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2 To speak directly to a doctor press 3 If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4 For a listing of the doctor's home telephone # and beeper #, please press 5 To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6 If your regular vet is on vacation press 7 If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6 PM)... please press 8
For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog... press 9 If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11 If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12 If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements... please press 13 for our office manager Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14 If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15 If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist or e-mail her at prnhthn@aol com If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes. If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19 If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heartworm medicine press 20 If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana), chameleon, etc) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days.. press 21 If you have a 200+ lb. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please Press 22 for drive through surgery service If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 23 If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk... press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a dr. If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25 None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile. Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
A "Blond" Joke [For those of you who are blonde, I apologize in advance, but since my wife is blonde, and also very intelligent, I figure I can slip this one in.] A blonde grew very tired of all the blonde jokes, and was bound and determined to prove them all wrong. So she took two weeks off from work, got out a map of the U.S., and studied it like crazy. When she went back to work, she said, "Okay, I'm real sick of all the blonde jokes, and I'm going to prove you wrong. Go ahead. Name any state in the U.S. and I'll tell you it's capital." "All right," someone said, "what's the capital of Vermont?" "Ha!" She looked him dead in the eye, threw back her hair, and said, "V!"
A True Story About a year ago, I was driving in the car with my daughters, Kate and Jill. Kate was four years old and sat next to me in the front seat; Jill was three years old, and was sitting in the back seat. Kate says, "Dad? I want a rabbit and a dog, okay? Okay Dad? I want a dog, and I want a rabbit. Okay? Dad, I want a rabbit and a dog." Jill leaned forward in her seat to listen. "Well, I don't know," I said. "Having a dog is a big responsibility. Dogs like to chew on things, so you'll have to make sure it doesn't chew on the furniture. And you'll have to make sure you feed the dog every day and that it has plenty of water." Kate got very quiet and serious and stared straight ahead. She was thinking hard about this, I could tell. "And what if the dog gets sick," I continued, "who'll take care of it? Or what if the dog makes a mess on the carpet? You'd have to help clean up after the dog." Kate was still very serious, and was trying to work this out in her mind. "Dad," Jill piped up from the back seat. "I think I just want a rabbit." --Mark Anderson, |
REALLY MIXED BREEDS
We don't know where he got this, but our thanks to Doug Duree who thought we could use some new material for our jokes. |
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a Newfoundland he doted on and loved with all his heart. One day, the Newfoundland died, and Muldoon went to the parish preist and asked, "Father, me Newfoundland has died. Could you be having a mass for the wonderful creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we can't have services for a dog in the Church, but there's a new denomination on down the road a bit, no telling what they believe. 'Tis possible they will have a service for ya or at least do something for yer poor Newfoundland dog." Muldoon, answered "Aye, I'll be thanking ya then. This is wonderful Father, I appreciate the advice so much, I'll go straight away." Then Muldoon paused and asked, "Just one other question, Father. Tell me, do you think 50,000 pounds is enough to donate for the service of me beloved Newfoundland?" "Saints preserve us, Muldoon," Father Patrick said, "now why didn't you tell me straight away your Newfoundland was Catholic?"
Here are a few REAL court transcripts. Brainless cross-examiners, etc.
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did yo go to?" Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?"
It was a slow day in Heaven, so God phones Satan to see what was going
on down there.
WHoooops!! Actual Classified Ads from newspapers, as collected on the Internet: For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
A little boy of six wandered into the kitchen one morning before breakfast
and asked his mother her age. She replied that was no concern of his. He
then asked her her weight and got the same reply.
A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says “Hello?”
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Grooooaaaannnnnnnn...!!!
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