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Jokes, Anecdotes, and Other Forms of Debatable "Humor"
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A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him
with a petsitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for
company.
One day, the
dachshund was chasing butterflies and before long discovered that he was
lost.
After wandering for a bit, the dachshund noticed a leopard heading
rapidly in
his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund
thought,
"OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by,
and
immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching leopard.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly,
"Boy, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away
into the trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close. That
dachshund
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection
from the leopard. So, off goes the monkey. But the dachshund noticed the
monkey heading after the leopard, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck
a
deal with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being fooled and said,
"Hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
The dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
crouched
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet.
Just when they got close enough to hear him, the dachshund said, "Where's
that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A Dog Person's Dictionary ANGULATION: Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges. BALANCE: How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked. BITCH: a) Name for a lady dog. b) Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog. COAT: The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show. DAM: a) A lady dog with children. b) Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring. ELBOW: Method of getting to ringside when late. EXPRESSION: "Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver. FANCIER: Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others. FEATHERING: What winners are accused of doing to Judges' nests. FRONT: Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring. HEEL: a ) What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. b) Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs. HEIGHT: As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch. HOCK: A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings. KENNEL: Where you go when the lads fight and your spouse yells at you. LITTER: Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show. MASK: What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago. MUZZLE: What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night. NOSEPRINTS: Cute marks left all over your French doors. OUTCROSSING: What your spouse tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch. POINTS: Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes. PUPPIES: Small, dog-like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies, (these creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts).
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?" Groooaaannn... Okay, okay, but how about if you check out our previous jokes? |
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